Wednesday, January 22, 2014

The Caucasian Healing Fund Show : A Parody By Kevin Annett

Author's Warning: None of this stuff about Mister X is made up.

Welcome to The Caucasian Healing Fund Show - where our panel of experts get to match their acumen with other pale contestants who have gotten away with spectacular crimes!

And here's your nice host, Wink Harper!


Wink: Thank you, and hello to everybody. It's good to be back. Well, tonight we have a special treat for you: a featured guest who really personifies the spirit of our program. I know you'll all get a kick out of him. But first, let's introduce our panel.

(Mall music)

Panelist number one is a newcomer on the show: he's a commodities speculator, an arms dealer and an elder with the Anglican Church of Canada. Let's welcome Peter!


Panelist number two hails from Burlington, Ontario: she's a mother of three and a founding member of the Campaign to Keep Canada Bland. Say hi to Margaret!


And our third panel member is appearing at the special request of tonight's guest and his lawyer: won't you please welcome David, a senior consultant with the prestigious public relations firm of Manning and Sons.

(mild applause)

Okay panelists, you know the drill. You'll try to guess the identity of our guest within the time alloted. Tonight's guest has been in the news and he's a convicted felon, which should make your job easier. Please refer to him as Mister X. So let's get down to it. Panelist number one?

Panelist #1: I'll cut to the chase, Wink. I think Mr. X is really the Prime Minister. Am I right?

Wink: (laughing) Sadly, no. But a good guess.

Panelist #1: Shit.

Panelist #2: Wink, I have a question. Mister X, are you a Christian?

Guest: Well, I like to think so.

Panelist #2: What do you think about all the homosexuals in the church?

Guest: Which ones?

Panelist #2: Oh, they're always careful to hide themselves. They could be anywhere.

Guest: I try not to be judgemental about that sort of thing.

Panelist #2: So you don't mind condoms lying under the pews and in the baptismal font, Mister X?

Wink: Panelists, let's keep our questions to X focused on his identity, shall we? Panelist number three, you haven't said anything yet. How about it?

Panelist #3: I have nothing to ask yet, Mr. Harper. I'm assessing the situation for my client.

Wink: Good for you. Ok then, anybody else?

Panelist #1: Listen, X, are you a former Prime Minister?

Guest: No.

Panelist #2: I bet you're a cross dresser.

Wink: Panelists, I can see this is going nowhere. I'm declaring our guest the winner.


Wink: So why don't we ask him to introduce himself for the audience and the panel. Mister X?

Guest: Thank you Wink. My name is Reverend Russell Crossley and I live in Victoria, British Columbia. I'm a retired minister with the United Church of Canada.

Panelist #2: I knew it! He is gay!

Wink: Please, Margaret. You had your chance. Russell, tell us what you're famous for.

Guest: Well, in 1997 I did some time in a prison. It was all a big mistake, really, for which I have officially apologized, kind of.

Wink: That's very reconciliatory of you, Russ. But why not tell us what you were charged with?

Guest: Oh, just going out now and then with a few people from my church ...

Wink: I read in the papers that you were found guilty of raping women for over thirty years, in many different congregations in Ontario and British Columbia. You even raped under aged girls.

Guest: Well, rape is too harsh a word, Wink. I prefer to use the term “excessive affection”.

Wink: How much time in prison did you actually do, Russell?

Guest: I was pleased that the judge in his Christian charity gave me only a year's confinement, Wink. I was out on good behaviour in four months.

Wink: Wow, four months. That's pretty impressive for a serial rapist, even in Canada.

Guest: It's true. But like I always say to my parishioners, you must never underestimate the power of divine intervention. And a good lawyer, of course.


Wink: You must have more going for you than a good lawyer, Russ. You seem to have some friends in high places ... and I don't mean in heaven, of course.


Guest: Yes, the national church was kind enough to pay all my legal fees and solicit excellent character references for me from some prominent politicians, and a former Superintendent of the RCMP.

Wink: Well aren't you the well connected one! But tell me Russ, how did you get away with raping all those women for over thirty years?

Guest: Fairly easily. I was moved around a lot by my superiors. The church isn't one to condemn a man just for a few little indiscretions, Wink. We believe in forgiveness and reconciliation. Besides, I was the one who came out the loser ...

Wink: Pardon me?

Guest: Yes. All that bad publicity. It hurt to see myself talked about like that. But I grew from the experience. It was a chance for me to learn some humility and forgiveness.

Wink: Oh, so you're the victim, then, not all those women?

Guest: Well, isn't that obvious? I mean, they've moved on. But I had to go to jail. Sunday attendance in my Victoria congregation even dropped for awhile when I was in jail.

Wink: Your congregation? You mean you weren't defrocked for raping your own parishioners?

Guest (laughing) Defrocked? What do you think I am, Wink, a whistleblower?

Wink: You mean you kept your job as a minister after going to jail for rape?

Guest: Why, naturally! Why should I lose all that income and hurt my pension on top of being victimized by all those women? I'm glad the church saw it that way, too. The United Church even gave me an official testimonial dinner after I came out of prison.

Wink: Amazing. So what now, Russ?

Guest: Oh, I'm writing a book about the whole experience. An inspirational work. The church is publishing it. I know it will be of real help to all the other clergy who find themselves in a similar situation.

Wink: Do you have any regrets, Reverend?

Guest: Only that I've lost touch with so many of the women involved. Like I said, I've forgiven them. I hope we can be reconciled: you know, maybe go out for dinner ...

Wink: Thanks, Reverend, I think we get the point ...

Guest: I sincerely hope so, Wink. For everybody's sake.

Wink: So that's our show for tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for watching. And until next week's show, don't forget: stay positive!

(Applause and canned music)

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